I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
