So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
