so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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