I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
