How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
