He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
