I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
