my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
