im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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