Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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