apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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