At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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