Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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