Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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