I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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