Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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