If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
