I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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