she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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