Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Ladies don't puke and tell
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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