careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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