He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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