I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
