I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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