I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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