Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize