Buhtt sex?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
