we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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