im about as happy as oj after his trial
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
