tonight lets celebrate not being married
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
