Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
