Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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