New low: just hacked my moms facebook
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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