You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
