i would punch a child for taco bell
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
