Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
