Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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