those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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