I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
