I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
