I intend to get homeless drunk
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
