My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Let the clothes fall where they may.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
