we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
