Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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