I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
