I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
