Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
