A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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