I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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