he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
