It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize