She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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