Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
