ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
