question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Let's get the cat blown out
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
